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Shoebox Blog

Funny but no Friday, 3 September 2010, 3:35 pm

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

Nothing tests one’s character
like coming upon a steamroller
with keys in the ignition.

May your birthday be filled
with unexpected opportunities.
___________________

If it helps, your boyfriend was never
as cute as you thought he was.

Sorry about the break up.
___________________

Remember that kids’ movie
about a bear made of razors
who would make himself real
small so he could hide in your
shoes and cut your toes?

No? Maybe I dreamed that.
Carry on.
___________________

I’m just one huge plastic ball away from unleashing
my new Beer Kong game upon the world.
Don’t ask me how I got the giant ape.

Hope your birthday’s all the rage.
___________________

Some people drop their grandpas off
on distant country roads and never return…

Those people must not have grandpas like you.

Source: Shoebox | Stephen

Quote of the day Friday, 3 September 2010, 1:30 pm

“Saying, ‘I have friends in Washington,’ doesn’t have as much bite to it when one of those friends is in real estate and the other is a male nurse.” – Mark

Source: Shoebox | Stephen

Newsdroppings Friday, 3 September 2010, 12:32 pm

(Today’s news is not being brought to you by Danny Trejo, but how awesome would it be if it were?)

If Jesse James and Kat Von D can’t make it work, well, at least they’ll probably get a couple cool tattoos right on… whatever isn’t already tattooed.

The trapped Chilean miners have sent up a new video that shows them well and in good spirits, and said one psychologist, “well into the show tune choreography stage of isolation syndrome.”

The wife of one of the trapped miners met the mistress of the trapped miner  at the vigil sight above ground.  In a couple of months the miner will get to meet the lawyer of the wife and the mistress.

A lost python is coming home which is good news unless you’re one of the people it’s going to slowly crush and then eat by dislocating its jaw and painstakingly swallowing you whole.

The most humane way to euthanize a beached whale is to blow it to bits with explosives, says the 11-year-old boy down the street who doesn’t otherwise talk much.  And no one asked him about the whales, he just knocked on your door and told you and then just stood there.

Paris Hilton says she’s ignoring the “ridiculous, cruel rumors” of yet another drunk driving arrest, cocaine possession, and a ban from most Las Vegas hotels.  She says the rumors were started by a police officer who had arrested her for drunk driving and then found cocaine on her just after she had been kicked out of yet another Las Vegas hotel.

Kia Motors is recalling a year model of its cars because of a tendency to catch fire.  How will you know if your car has this problem?  Said a spokesperson, “Oh believe me, you’ll know.”

A beer truck overturned but was not immediately swarmed with attractive young people and a DJ and either a bracing snow storm or a tropical beach, so… maybe TV has been misleading us?

Source: Shoebox | Dan

Completely inappropriate responses to baby photos on Facebook Thursday, 2 September 2010, 2:30 pm

* Hmmm. Those pix are just… hmmm
* How cute, I guess
* I love these whistling monkey photos
* Awwww! Who knew a leaky condom would turn out so cute!
* Enough with the friggin’ baby. I need help on Farmville!
* Looks just like Daddy!  No, not your husband… Daddy
* Wow!  That head must’ve… well, that’s a big head!
* Do you have better pics, or are these the best ones?
* Blah, blah cute! Blah, blah adorable! When are we going out for beers?
* Your attempt to save your failing marriage is beautiful
* Congats on your baby. And on getting laid. Finally
* That’s the best dried-potato doll I’ve seen in a long time
* Boy, you can’t miss that birthmark!

Source: Shoebox | Stephen

Flash Monsters! Thursday, 2 September 2010, 2:00 pm

Source: Shoebox | jsmit13

dr. dick’s Thursday, 2 September 2010, 2:00 pm

Source: Shoebox | Dick

Quote of the day Thursday, 2 September 2010, 1:30 pm

“Even if my cat could do it, I don’t think he’d bother to sort the recycling.” – Chris C.

Source: Shoebox | Stephen

Newsdroppings Thursday, 2 September 2010, 1:16 pm

Steve Jobs says those silly TV networks will eventually crumble before the awesome power of the mighty Internet, but we’ll have to wait for future comic books to find out how.

Automakers reported weak sales for August. Said one automaker, “Whoopie! We had sales!”

Paris and her boyfriend have been banned from a couple of Las Vegas casinos.  Because they are so smart that they can literally count the cards and are unbeatable at… nah, it’s the drug thing.

adltz may suum b txt as much a teen@ but thay r not as fats or acurbte.

The baseball season is heating up, or as we call it in Kansas City, winding down, which is as good a time as any to remind everyone why they should resent Derek Jeter.

Novelty lighters can no longer be sold in Massachusetts. So good luck finding that one shaped like a tiny Pilgrim.

Doesn’t it seem like Stink Bug season comes sooner and sooner each year?

A Minnesota mayor who has been charged with drunk driving explained that he is an alcoholic.  Due to this, he is now being groomed for a federal office because he’ll be much more comfortable in Washington.

In his new memoir, former British Prime Minister Tony Blair praises former President Bush for his “immense simplicity,” because the British think that all Americans are too stupid to realize what an insult that is.

Joe Biden was on hand to announce the command transfer in Iraq.  U.S. military officials hope the transition will look smooth when standing next to Biden.

Source: Shoebox | Bill

From the desk of: Anne the intern Wednesday, 1 September 2010, 5:57 pm

“I used to always refuse people when they offered me treats. I thought it was the polite thing to say, ‘No, thanks!’ Recently I figured out you’re allowed to say ‘Okay,’ if you really want one. Just don’t go overboard, though.”

Serving a summer stint as a Hallmark humor writer, Anne the Intern loves Espanol. Lujoso! Ensalada!

Source: Shoebox | Stephen

Quote of the day Wednesday, 1 September 2010, 1:30 pm

“Butt dimples are just proof that every part of me can smile.” – Melissa

Source: Shoebox | Stephen

Newsdroppings Wednesday, 1 September 2010, 1:27 pm

The whole Iraq deal is cleared up now, so that’s good news.  Maybe now national attention will turn to the potholes in front of our houses, which will only get worse if not fixed before winter.

The best government jobs are in the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and the Government Accountability Office, according to a new listing. Worst is being a “dad-blamed revenuer,” unless you want a butt full of buckshot.

The Tea Party guy won the Republican primary up in Alaska. Course, they really appreciate a hot cup of tea up there.

Bristol Palin says she plans to wear modest outfits on “Dancing With The Stars” because she apparently does not know why people watch “Dancing With The Stars.”

Demi dancing at a Snoop Dogg concert.  Cute? Sad? Sexy? Desperate? Fun? Scary? So many emotions!

First another Emmy, now the cover of Rolling Stone.  Soon, Mad Men may be so famous that everyone hates it.

High schools are banning cancer awareness bracelets that say “I Love Boobies.” The enthusiastic cries of “Me too!” from 10^th grade boys were just too disruptive.

The debate continues over whether to build a casino next to the historic Gettysburg battlefield. If they build it, we suggest you bet on the blue.

California’s not going to ban plastic bags after all. As long as everyone agrees to only put tofu and organic mung beans in them.

Goats have been hired to remove troublesome kudzu vines.  Then, bobcats will be hired to remove troublesome goats, then lions to remove troublesome bobcats, then elephants to remove troublesome lions, then kudzu will be grown to trip up troublesome elephants.

Source: Shoebox | Bill

What bottom-rung movies are coming out between now and Christmas? Tuesday, 31 August 2010, 7:56 pm

* Toy Story 4: Recalled!
* Lovely Bones 2: Electric Boogaloo
* Aliens vs. Predators vs. Betty White
* Indiana Jones in the Catacombs of Incontinence
* Frost/Nixon 3-D
* Untitled Matthew McConaughey Project
* Three X-Men and a Baby
* Being John Larroquette
* Marley & Michael Vick
* Sleepless in Sheboygan
* It Happened One College Football Saturday
* Pac-Man: Legacy
* The Commendables: A Documentary Capturing Trite Good Deeds by Aging Stars

Source: Shoebox | Stephen

space butter Tuesday, 31 August 2010, 2:00 pm

Source: Shoebox | Dick

Quote of the day Tuesday, 31 August 2010, 1:39 pm

“I love the earth. But I have to have my hairspray. And my car.” – Allyson

Source: Shoebox | Stephen

Newsdroppings Tuesday, 31 August 2010, 1:02 pm

This season’s cast of “Dancing With the Stars” includes the former athlete, the one who’s probably too old but might surprise you, the one who everybody already knows can really dance, the one who everybody already knows can’t dance at all, the one who used to be married to somebody and the one everybody will watch the first episode to see. We are so there.

Fidel Castro says he was at death’s door, but he thinks that death turned off all the lights and pretended not to be home until Castro got tired of waiting and left.

Glenn Beck apparently wants to be the new leader of the religious right, except some of them don’t really accept him because he’s a Mormon. The future looks bright for Newsdroppings.

This photo gallery of Emmy attendees begins with Christina Hendricks, from Mad Men.  Then there are others, presumably.

Paris Hilton says she thought the drugs she is charged with possessing were not drugs at all, but gum.  Of course, as anyone who was not allowed in grades K-12 to have gum can tell you, it’s also kind of a drug.

If there is a cure for Clooney Fever (and there isn’t), we do not want to hear about the cure for Clooney Fever.

Hurricane Earl is threatening the US, which is having a tough time being scared of anything named “Earl.”

Your Insane Clown Posse shirt may be illegal.  Of course, for most ICP fans, that’s the least illegal thing they’ll have to worry about all day.

A chimp escaped from a zoo in Oklahoma, after painstakingly using a spoon to carve out a hole behind his poster of Bubbles the Chimp.

Lindsay Lohan wants her career back. And, apparently, her shirt.

Source: Shoebox | Bill

Links that amuse us Monday, 30 August 2010, 5:32 pm

My eyes! They’re bleeding!!

Quitting never looked so good.

Chewy awesomeness.

Y’all need to stop mispronounciating these.

No, really. This is not a joke.

Source: Shoebox | Stephen

smithees Monday, 30 August 2010, 2:00 pm

Source: Shoebox | Dick

Newsdroppings Monday, 30 August 2010, 1:50 pm

President Obama says he can’t go through life with his birth certificate plastered to his forehead. Although the “Kick Me!” sign the Republicans plastered to his back seems fairly permanent.

Nobody can agree on the size of the crowd that attended the big Glenn Beck rally in Washington over the weekend, but everybody agrees it was between one and infinity.

“Mad Men” took its third straight Emmy last night. Geez, you’d think they’d be a little less mad.

The original Kermit the Frog puppet has been donated to the Smithsonian. We apologize if you thought he was real.

Ryan Reynolds and Bradley Cooper are teaming up for a movie that we’re pretty sure will be called “Ab Cops!” or possibly “Ab Doctors!” But probably “Ab Cops!”

BP wants you to remember that they’re doing stuff.  And not evil stuff.  Good stuff, that helps people, just like every multi-billion dollar corporation.

A new study that says drinking is better than not drinking is quickly becoming the favorite study of some of us.  Not all of us, but, for sure, some of us.

An inmate has been accidentally released from prison due to a paperwork mix-up.  He was also able to use a coupon that had expired nearly a week ago, so this guy is on some kind of roll!

If you want to know the best places to see a movie in Paris, you’re way too rich to be hanging out with the likes of us. Move along, Richie Rich.

Source: Shoebox | Bill

quote of the day Monday, 30 August 2010, 1:30 pm

“I need a vacation or a martini, and I’m out of vacation days.” – Bill

Source: Shoebox | Stephen

Tiny Little Movie Review: Takers Monday, 30 August 2010, 12:45 pm

After The Switch and Eating and Praying and Loving, I gotta say I was glad to see an action movie where there’s, you know, action, and Takers is a bill fitter.  If you have an action bill.  There’s a classic, “getting all the guns loaded and pulling on our ski-masks together” scene, a couple of shoot-outs where someone is clearly not going to get that deposit back, and lots of tense yelling into tiny microphones.  But I was mainly looking forward to this movie because of Idris Elba.  Elba is like a taller, more English, potentially scarier Cheadle, and I think you know how I feel about Cheadle.  If you’ve seen Elba on The Office or, even better, on The Wire, you might not know he has an English accent.  It comes and goes a little here, but it’s like someone added more coolness right at the last minute, kind of like powdered sugar on brownies, for example.

There’s a sort of criminal accountant (C-CPA) played by Johnathon Schaech.  My resolution to not let unpronounceable (by me) names stop me from appreciating certain actors (hello, Chiwetel Ejiofor!) is really tested with this guy.  He’s one of a group of actors I made an effort to distinguish in the late ’90s and I could never get a handle on him, and I really can’t see forgiving that first name.  People come from all over and go all over, I get it.  Maybe “aech” is totally common somewhere. But John-a-thon sounds like an extended charity event, doesn’t it? Like we’re going to find a cure for John, no matter how long it takes?

Better to focus on Chris Brown and his emerging Parkour skills.  It’s becoming de rigueur in action movies and he does a nice job of it in an extended chase scene.  He says he trained, but he’s young enough to make it sound like that was simple.  It wouldn’t be for most of us.  In fact, our time would probably be better spent eating brownies dusted with powdered sugar.

Editor’s Note: Hallmark Cards has a strategic relationship with Sony Pictures.

Source: Shoebox | Dan